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Picking up the Gauntlet
Miss T said that only children could come up with lines like those she shared with us (message # 50747). I beg to differ. Here are some grown ups who are ready to give Miss T's kids a run for their money:
--Mark Springer / Sacramento, CA, USA
Mom Said THIS? Funny School Excuses
The kid gets sick. Mom has to write a note to the school. You know the drill. But what happens when Mom, too harried to think straight, writes something other than what she intended? A good laugh, that's what! Thanks to the very funny folks at RinkWorks.com, here are some (real) school excuses with Mom's spelling and punctuation included:
Dear Physical Education Teacher:
"My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."
"Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating."
"Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."
My Kid Was SO Sick That...
"Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."
"Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."
"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."
Weird Pains: Has Your Kid Ever Had THIS?
"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."
"Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins."
"Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side."
"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."
"Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak."
Please Excuse...
"Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault."
"Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."
"Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well."
"Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."
"Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor."
You Couldn't Have Meant This!
"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines."
"Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."
"Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."
"Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover."
More Detail Than We Need...
"Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."
--Cathryn Conroy
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Language pair: English; All
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Mark S.
April 30, 2005
# Msgs: 1
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Mark S.
April 30, 2005
# Msgs: 1
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Why Russian is hard to learn
Based on the real complaint of a foreign student:
How can you learn the language where the tree (derevo) is of neutral gender,
the oak (dub) is mascule and
the birch tree (bereza) is feminine?
-- Alex
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Language pair: Russian; English
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Alex
April 29, 2005
# Msgs: 3
Latest: August 4, 2005
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Learn the names of relatives in Russian the fun way (a bit advanced)
Äâà ìóæèêà âñòðåòèëèñü â áàðå è ðàçãîâîðèëèñü. ×åðåç íåêîòîðîå âðåìÿ îäèí èç íèõ ñêàçàë: "Òû äóìàåøü, ó òåáÿ ñåìåéíûå ïðîáëåìû? Ïîñëóøàé ïðî ìîþ ñèòóàöèþ: Íåñêîëüêî ëåò íàçàä ÿ âñòðåòèë ìîëîäóþ âäîâó ñî âçðîñëîé äî÷åðüþ, è ìû ïîæåíèëèñü. Íåäàâíî ìîé îòåö æåíèëñÿ íà ìîåé ïàä÷åðèöå. Ýòî ñäåëàëî ìîþ ïàä÷åðèöó ìîåé ìà÷åõîé, à ìîé îòåö ñòàë ìîèì ïàñûíêîì. Êðîìå òîãî, ìîÿ æåíà ñòàëà òåùåé ñîáñòâåííîãî ñâåêðà. Èäåì äàëüøå, ó äî÷åðè ìîåé æåíû (ìîåé ìà÷åõè) ðîäèëñÿ ñûí. Ýòîò ìàëü÷èê ìíå åäèíîêðîâíûé áðàò, ïîòîìó ÷òî îí ñûí ìîåãî îòöà, íî îí òàêæå ñûí äî÷åðè ìîåé æåíû, ÷òî äåëàåò åãî âíóêîì ìîåé æåíû. Ýòî äåëàåò ìåíÿ äåäóøêîé ìîåãî åäèíîêðîâíîãî áðàòà. Ýòî áûëî áû åùå òåðïèìî, ïîêà ó íàñ ñ æåíîé íå ðîäèëñÿ ñûí. Òåïåðü ñåñòðà ìîåãî ñûíà, ìîÿ òåùà, ñòàëà åùå è áàáóøêîé. Ýòî äåëàåò ìîåãî îòöà øóðèíîì ìîåãî ðåáåíêà, ñâîäíàÿ ñåñòðà êîòîðîãî - æåíà ìîåãî îòöà. ß øóðèí ìîåé ìà÷åõè, ìîÿ æåíà - òåòÿ åå ñîáñòâåííîãî ðåáåíêà, ìîé ñûí - ïëåìÿííèê ìîåãî îòöà, à ÿ ñâîé ñîáñòâåííûé äåäóøêà, à òû òóò æàëóåøüñÿ íà ñåìåéíûå ïðîáëåìû!"
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Language pair: Russian; English
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Alex
April 29, 2005
# Msgs: 1
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Why English is Hard to Learn--follow up to 24082
I was discussing English grammar with a friend today, in particular the difficulty keeping track of the particles from phrasal verbs, like "on" in "to turn on" or "up" in "to wind up". They don't make a lot of sense all of the time.
This reminded me of a wonderful document I often see in my e-mail, one which has been posted here in message number 24082.
But I also noticed that the version I have includes some material that wasn't in 24082. So I thought I'd go ahead and post that part here as well.
Those of you studying English-this is hysterical to a native speaker. I've seen people laughing at this with tears in their eyes. So if any of this doesn't seem funny to you, be sure and ask us about it. It's probably a learning opportunity.
Anybody else have writings like these about your own languages?
Enjoy!
Mark Springer
Sacramento, CA, USA
Why English Is Hard to Learn
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
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Language pair: English; All
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Mark S.
April 29, 2005
# Msgs: 3
Latest: May 2, 2005
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I have to speak basic German until next month....
because I have an interview of German Airline Company.
if you want to teach me a little German language, I'll really thank to you... *^^*
or I want to have a pen pal friend ...I love to know people.....
have a nice day!!!! all my friends~~
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Language pair: English; German
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shally c.
April 17, 2005
# Msgs: 1
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Sahara
2 grains of sand sitting in the Sahara
one says to the other, cor it' busy here.
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Language pair: English; French
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Mike C.
April 9, 2005
# Msgs: 1
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Word for word, from the Spanish
Another cute one from this month's edition of "Selecciones"
Pregunta la profesora:
-- Juanito, conjúgueme el verbo "nadar".
--Yo nado, tú nadas,él nada… --dice el niño gritando.
--Más bajo, Juanito! –le pide la profesora.
--Yo buceo, tú buceas, él bucea…
The teacher asks,
Johnny, conjugate the verb, "to swim" for me.
"I swim, you swim, he swims…" shouts the boy.
Lower, Johnny! Pleads the teacher.
"I dive, you dive, he dives…."
Mark Springer
Sacramento, CA USA
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Language pair: English; Spanish
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Mark S.
March 31, 2005
# Msgs: 1
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Wild coincidence
Funny, I ran into this one later the same day in Spanish.
> At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Yes, I am. I
married the wrong man."
En "Selecciones" Abril 2005, le dice,
En una reunión, mientras conversaba con una mujer, me llamó la atención el anillo que llevaba en el dedo medio de la mano izquierda.
--Es mi anillo de matrimonio --señaló.
--¿No lo lleva en el dedo equivocado? --le pregunté.
--¡Ah, sí! Lo que pasa es que me casé con el hombre equivocado.
Mark Springer
Sacramento, CA USA
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Language pair: English; Spanish
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Mark S.
March 31, 2005
# Msgs: 2
Latest: March 31, 2005
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Pun with modern cooking
Lo encontré hoy con un chiste bastante divertido en el periódico "Selecciones," que es el traducción español de "Reader's Digest." Ese chiste, por casualidad, es tal divertido en inglés como en español.
"Tengo un niño de tres años, quién es muy hablante. Cada vez que la alarma de la microondas soña, me dice, 'esta es el tucroondas!' "
I ran across a cute joke today (in "Selecciones" Magazine – the Spanish-language version of "Reader's Digest,") which happens to work just as well in English as it does in Spanish:
I have a three-year-old son who is very chatty. Every time the microwave alarm goes off, he says, 'There goes the yourcrowave!' "
Mark Springer
Sacramento, CA USA
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Language pair: Spanish; English
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Mark S.
March 31, 2005
# Msgs: 1
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